Looking for all memories in my computer, I was found myself in several photos in different years. I am growing up so differently in every year. I feel that my life is never the same in years. Every year has their own stories about myself. I guess it is process of learning. You will never what you will be in the future. What you know is you have bright future.
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| Now I have better smile, doesn't it? |
As my man always said to me that your environment will show who you are if you don't stand in your foot. I did before. I looked very different in past three years. I changed lots. I feel more cheerful and thankful now. Even my mouth still always bad in last two and half years, but I am feeling much better. It is like God is giving me a real happiness in my life. I did lots problems compared to beginning, but I do more cheerful now. I feel so free and blessful. I guess that everyone can see from my smile. In the row top, all photos are from 2008-2010 or until I met him. Then other three photos are now after being his. I feel much better with myself.
I believe God give him to help me understanding myself, not destroying my life as I did before. I was fragile, more fragile than now. I've tried more than 5 times to suicide. I was desperate and many depressions. No one knew it. I never understood what my life was. I only knew that I got lots pressures directly and indirectly from my environments. I was lucky because I still had my small community from church when in senior high school. I had my pastor to talk and to be strengthened. After entering college, I was alone! I might have lots friends but I can't feel real love from every body. I just blamed, pushed and destroyed myself. I did alcohol and smoked much. Never imagine before! I loved to have it. It accompanied me to release this stresses. They went for while, but came then. My best friends are my witnesses. Everyone can ask them. They try to help me, but I never wanted to be helped. I was too stubborn to believe anyone. I never knew how to believe others or how to know who really cared. I had lots fool experiences about it. One of them was almost to put my friend endangered. I have tried to suicide by riding motor bike in high speed at that moment. My fault was I brought my friend. She tried to accompany me. God still kindly saved me and her! That was the first and the last I did to endanger people with my problems. I couldn't write more. It is too many foolishness and much hurt. Now, everything changes! All are past now! All are past now. Yes my past. God changed me.
I believe God give him to help me understanding myself, not destroying my life as I did before. I was fragile, more fragile than now. I've tried more than 5 times to suicide. I was desperate and many depressions. No one knew it. I never understood what my life was. I only knew that I got lots pressures directly and indirectly from my environments. I was lucky because I still had my small community from church when in senior high school. I had my pastor to talk and to be strengthened. After entering college, I was alone! I might have lots friends but I can't feel real love from every body. I just blamed, pushed and destroyed myself. I did alcohol and smoked much. Never imagine before! I loved to have it. It accompanied me to release this stresses. They went for while, but came then. My best friends are my witnesses. Everyone can ask them. They try to help me, but I never wanted to be helped. I was too stubborn to believe anyone. I never knew how to believe others or how to know who really cared. I had lots fool experiences about it. One of them was almost to put my friend endangered. I have tried to suicide by riding motor bike in high speed at that moment. My fault was I brought my friend. She tried to accompany me. God still kindly saved me and her! That was the first and the last I did to endanger people with my problems. I couldn't write more. It is too many foolishness and much hurt. Now, everything changes! All are past now! All are past now. Yes my past. God changed me.
Everything changed since He is here, when I tried to talk to Him even I never felt something. I prayed but I was mad. I prayed but I never felt that I was. It was very difficult. But, God never give up to me! God sent me him and others surrounding me. We have different personalities. We have strong will in common only. God use our personalities to change both of us. We suffer many things in this process. God let people surrounding me to be His hands too. He changed me with many processes. It is hard processes, but He say that he never leave me. Then He always proves it to me. Now I am still in His process. He never said it will be easy, but He said that He never let us fall down. We proved it! I proved it! One by one problem passed as one by one problem also came. In this way, we learn to accept and to trust Him. Your God has more than much power to change everything as long as you believe! Just believe! I do lots problems now, but no suicide or alcohol or smoke as my choices to solve it. It is much better to take time to cry or to keep silent, but the best is to pray! He is always here, in our heart. Our distances to God is as far as our pray.
Now, my life is changing. I have much better smile, doesn't it?
It is very beautiful when I can say thank you God for all problems. Thank you God for everything. It is very amazing because He saves me! He saves us! He sacrificed himself to save the one like me. He saved my life, our life.
It is named as process. At the end, everything will be beautiful in His hands. Say to God,
"I surrender, God. What ever it will be, let Yours."
I am not the same person anymore. I wrote this to share how miracles work in my life. It is my story. I believe everyone also have their own miracles. It is only about how we feel it and believe. God has His own plans to everyone.
Open your heart, listen to His words and do the miracles.
